The Time I Experienced Being Alone in the World

An awareness of my brokenness began when I was two years old.  I became separated from my parents, who were my first everything. This was my first experience of feeling alone in the world. This pain remained with me, and increased as I grew older.

I experienced depression at the age of 12.  It seemed too young to experience this terrible emotional pain. As I got older, I felt more and more alone. I could not understand the importance of myself and my life.   I moved on in life without values and intentions.

I was easily hurt when people made simple comments to me.  I felt numb in my flesh and my feelings. When I was angry with other people, I would feel hurt and blame myself; the pain in my body was nothing compared to my heart pain.

Eventually, I became really tired with all my self-punishment and emotional pain.  I wanted to live as a new person, an ordinary person. I tried not to think about my past and it worked. For a time, I intentionally forgot some of my more difficult childhood memories. Somehow, I would continue to move on. Later in life, I learned how to heal from these memories. I took time and looked back on my childhood memories although it was very painful. I gave myself time to grieve for what I had lost. I expressed my anger through writing and drawing. I talked to my inner child and asked forgiveness. I made an agreement with my inner child to have patience with the process.

At one stage, I started to realize that I had not been fair to myself. If I felt hurt by the comments of others, nevertheless, I could stop hurting myself. I tried to see and change the way I treated myself. I started to appreciate those times when I was better to myself and I would reward myself with good food and clothes that I liked. I celebrated my birthday for myself. I chose to live in the world, although it was not easy. I did not want to give up. One of the quotations from Marshall Pinckney Wilder, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” made me stand up and face the challenges of the reality of my life.

I was influenced by Buddhist culture because many of my friends were Buddhist, although I am Catholic. Buddhists believe that the present life is impacted by past lives. The impact of this present life will be carried forward to our next life. I wondered:  if I have a next life, what would it be like?  It was a big question and I knew that I needed to choose to live as a better person for myself and others.

I started to communicate with God.  At first, my questions were to assign blame. I said to God “Why me? Why this bitter life?”  Then, I began to ask for my needs, and to share more of my feelings and thoughts.  Eventually, I felt that God responded to my prayers by sending new people into to my life, people who allowed me to feel God’s love and care.  God became my best friend. I started to understand how God loves me unconditionally. After, I had felt God’s love, I wanted to respond to God’s love by accepting and loving myself as God does.

Most people experience a sense of helplessness in life at some point when they feel that no one is around, especially when they are in great need. I think that these experiences help us to gain wisdom in life because we have to make decisions about whether to stay in certain situations or to leave. When we decide to leave, we can gain courage, creativity, healing and self-growth.  There is always a way out and the opportunity for growth if we choose to live in life.

Maria Khaing Nyein Aye, fcJ